


This is Gonna Hurt

by PipTheShipper



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, Multi, Polyamory Negotiations, Tony Angst, Tony-centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-05-18 16:32:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5935189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PipTheShipper/pseuds/PipTheShipper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He wouldn’t deny them their happiness, but that didn’t mean he had to sacrifice his own. (Potential trigger warnings).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> New fic! If you wan a song for this story, it is 'This is Gonna Hurt' by Sixx A.M. (the acoustic version). Hope you enjoy! :)

Tony was perched on the edge of the bed, contemplating the sleek, loaded .22 magnum loosely grasped in his hand. It was a pretty gun, but that didn’t matter much, did it? For once, Tony didn’t care if something looked nice, so long as it functioned correctly.

Suicide was not a new concept for him. He had thought about it a lot, especially in his teenage years. Hell, he had tried a couple of times, but he had never really committed. A bottle of pills, a razor to the wrists, nothing that was irreversible. But this? Tony was human; there was no recovering from a bullet in the temple.

And that was the goal. The ultimate goal. This was the end game, his end game. It all boiled down to this, didn’t it? His whole life had been leading up to this moment, in the bedroom he had once shared with the love of his life, somewhere around 7 pm, with sheets of rain pouring down the windows. It felt oddly poetic, doing it today. Two weeks after Steve had left him, on the same day that he returned, with one James Buchanan Barnes in tow.

Tony didn’t blame either of them. Steve was too good to do anything but the right thing, which just so happened to be dumping Tony for his boyfriend from the 40s. And Bucky, well, Tony could never blame someone for wanting Steve. They had so much history, and were obviously perfect for one another. After everything they had gone through, it wasn’t fair for Tony to resent them for finding happiness with the other. He was a good enough person that he could let Steve go without a fight.

But that didn’t mean he could stick around. The thought of watching the two together, kissing, laughing, cuddling, sharing a room and maybe even hearing them at night, was unbearable. He wouldn’t deny them their happiness, but that didn’t mean he had to sacrifice his own. The only thing left for him now was the gun in one hand, the half-empty bottle of bourbon in the other.

And even though he was taking the easy way out, he wasn’t an asshole. He knew that the team needed him, so he had compensated for their loss. It was already arranged. Rhodey would take his place on the team as the War Machine, which was better if he thought about it. Rhodey was a military man; he was good at following orders. He wouldn’t argue with Steve, he wouldn’t go off and do his own thing, he wouldn’t take unnecessary risks because he had had a death wish for as long as he could remember. No, Rhodey would do right by the team, and by the world. Which was more than Tony had ever done. So, Iron Man had been replaced. Check.

Second thing they would be losing was his engineering skills, which was the one thing Tony was actually proud of. He constantly made them new equipment, new weapons, new armor. It was his way of making sure that they were safe, protected. And yes, it was selfish of him to take that away from them, but he wasn’t leaving them hanging completely. For the past week, he had been interviewing engineers. And he finally had one picked out: some guy named Mark Adessi, but he liked to be called 'Dessi'. He was 18, Italian like Tony, a good kid. But more importantly, he was smart, ambitious, and had already taken the job. Tomorrow, he would be getting a call.

Thirdly, they would be losing the funding he provided. But he had already taken measures to ensure that it wouldn’t happen. He had enough to keep them generously supplied for the next decade, and after that, he was sure that people would be lining up to fund the Avengers. If not, SHIELD was loaded. They would be fine, he hoped.

That took care of the team as a whole. But individually, well, there was a reason (apart from the obvious) that he was holed up in his lab for the past week. He had finished sometime early this morning, just in time for Natasha to come down to the workshop, and kindly let him know that they were back.

Bruce, well, Bruce was easy. Tony had built him a bigger and better lab, and after Tony was dead, JARVIS would give him the codes to the lab. Apart from that, Tony had ordered Bruce’s favorite tea, enough to last him for the next decade. Hulk stretchy pants, a Hulk-out room, etc. He had taken care of his science buddy. Bruce had been there for him this whole time, so the least Tony could do was be there for him too, even after he was dead.

Clint. Clint wasn’t tricky, as the archer tended to be very open about what he did and did not like. Tony had built him a specialized training floor that would definitely challenge him. It was sort of a simulation of an actual battle ground, because thus far, there hadn’t been a single battle where Clint had come out unscathed. And that was Tony’s goal, so he made the training floor. He also had built plenty of new equipment, such as bows and arrows (specialized, of course; come one, he was Tony fucking Stark) and a light, flexible, bullet-proof armor that was purple. He knew how to please.

Thor, damn, that had actually been hard. Half of the time, Thor was just trying to figure out what the fuck was happening, so he didn’t often comment on if he liked something or not. However, Tony just had to read between the lines. Pop Tarts were the first thing Tony had looked into. Turns out, you could actually buy a lifetime’s worth of Pop Tarts, which he figured would last Thor about a month, so he bought several.

Secondly, Tony had Jane Foster relocated. Right next to the tower, in fact. Tony had bought the building next door, and in a few months, it would become a revolutionary Science Industry where only the best and brightest work. Jane would receive a job offer as soon as it was finished, and then she would move in with Thor. Check and check.

Natasha had been the hardest one out of all of them, but he had figured it out. Firstly, he had opened a ballet school near the tower where Natasha could be the instructor. And the students who would attend (he had already talked to them about it) were the girls who had been in the Red Room where Natasha was raised. Tony knew that she resented her past, so he figured he could give her a way to use it to help people who had been in similar situations. The girls had been rescued, but most of them weren’t adjusting to normal life well, so he figured he could help them too. Either Natasha would hate him for this, or she would love him. But there was nothing he could do about it now.

Steve. God, it hurt to even think his name. But Steve. Tony hadn’t known what to give Steve, because he had already given him everything. So he covered the basics. Better weapons and equipment, training floor, etc. All the things he would have eventually gotten around to if he had decided to live, crammed into one week. And then Tony thought that since Barnes obviously meant a lot to Steve, he would help him, which in turn would help Steve.

So that was how the prosthetic arm had come about. Much better than the piece of crap Barnes had been sporting for the last seventy years. This one would (if Tony’s calculations were correct, which they always were) cause him absolutely no pain, and be so much stronger than the last one. He would also be able to feel pressure, so he wouldn’t break anything. And it had a crap ton of other features, so Tony felt satisfied with his work.

More than that, he felt content with his impending death. He felt like he had lived. Sure, most of it had sucked, but that just made the other moments so much more beautiful. Like the first time he and Steve had said those magical three words. Tony had almost been killed (again) during a battle, and just as he was coming around in the hospital, he had heard Steve’s agonizing confession.

_“Dammit, Tony,” Steve cried, holding onto the engineer’s hand, pressing a heartbroken and heartbreaking kiss to the bruised skin. His eyes were closed, so Steve didn’t notice when Tony blinked awake. His wide amber gaze had settled onto the sobbing super soldier (ha ha, alliteration) with a mixture of pleasant confusion and overwhelming joy._

_“Please, please, please be okay,” Steve murmured, silent tears sliding down his cheeks. “You can’t quit on me now. I need you, please, Tony, stay with me. Please, I love you so much, and I’ll be so pissed if I never get to tell you. I love you, Tony, please wake up.” Tony had been so surprised, and so pleased._

_“I love you too, Steve,” he whispered. Steve’s head snapped up, his blue eyes wide with shock. And then he was crying (with joy, this time) and holding Tony, reverently kissing each bruise, and eventually his lips._

And that was the beginning of their relationship. Tony had been an insecure fool at first, but he soon let Steve in. What a mistake that had been. Tony hadn’t doubted Steve when he said that he loved him, but he should have. He should have seen this coming, because a happy ending just wasn’t in the cards for Tony Stark. Steve had promised that he would never leave Tony. Cue the end of their relationship.

_“I’m so sorry, Tony,” Steve whispered. Tony just stood there, numb. Part of him couldn’t comprehend what Steve was saying. They had been together for almost a year (their anniversary was coming up) and now Steve was leaving? The other part of him, the cruel voice in the back of his head that sounded like Howard, was whispering ‘what the hell did you think was gonna happen?’_

_“I don’t…” he began, pausing to get his voice under control. “I don’t understand.” Steve’s blue eyes were watery, which seemed like bullshit to Tony. If Steve was the one leaving, then why did he get to cry and be sad about it?_

_“Bucky needs me,” Steve explained quietly, looking away. “I have to bring him back.” Tony swallowed around the lump in his throat. He knew about Bucky, and he knew that Steve had been in love with him. He should have seen it coming._

_“And after that?” Tony whispered, afraid to hear the answer. Steve’s gaze flicked back up to meet his, then darted back down._

_“I’ve been in love with him for my whole life, Tony,” Steve eventually murmured guiltily. “I should never have started this with you.” And wow, wasn’t that a punch to the gut. “I didn’t mean to lead you on or anything. If I had known…”_

_“You said you wouldn’t leave,” Tony said softly. “You lied to me.”_

_“I’m so sorry,” Steve repeated, his voice catching. And then there was nothing more to say. Steve walked up a few seconds later, pressing what felt like a last kiss to Tony’s forehead, and then he was gone._

Tony had immediately gone to the workshop, because he had made Steve his tether. Without a tether, Tony knew there would only be one end to this hellish existence. So he began planning, and drinking, and he ignored the calls and demands to be let in, and he didn’t want to hurt them but he was but he wouldn’t be for much longer. And then this morning, Steve had returned.

_“Tony, this is Bucky,” Steve said softly, still avoiding the engineer’s gaze. Tony forced a smile, and stretched out a hand. The man with the scraggly dark hair-Bucky- peered at it for a moment, blinking with those steely blue eyes in confusion. After a long moment, he reached out his metal hand and they shook._

_“It’s nice to meet you, Bucky,” Tony said warmly, offering the man a more genuine smile, because it wasn’t his fault Tony wasn’t good enough. Plus, the arm was really cool._

_“You too,” Bucky replied, his voice rough with disuse._

And then later in the kitchen, Steve had cornered Tony. He wanted to know if Tony was okay, if he would be okay, if this was okay, if a whole bunch of shit that was clearly not okay was okay.

_“It’s all fine, Cap,” Tony replied easily, flashing his paparazzi smile, the one that he knew Steve hated. “You and Barnes can stay here, I don’t care.”_

_“Are you sure you’re okay?” Steve asked, studying Tony carefully, as if he were afraid Tony would break, or snap, or start yelling._

_“I’ll be fine, Rogers. Now get back to your boyfriend.” He hadn’t said it bitterly or anything, but Steve’s eyes still tightened. Probably because Tony called him Rogers, which was the name he used when he was protecting himself. To Steve, though, it was just the name Tony used when he was being petty. Tony was really too tired for this shit. He grabbed the cup of coffee he had come into the kitchen for-totally not worth it- and walked away without a backwards glance._

_On the way to the elevator, he ignored Natasha’s piercing eyes, the calls to come join them as they played games and laughed and talked and joked, and he ignored Steve calling, ‘wait!’ He stepped into the elevator, turned, took in the scene before him that was somehow beautiful._

_Natasha was curled up with Clint, idly playing with his hair. Thor and Bruce were playing Mario Kart, and Thor was winning. Bucky was even looking like he was kind of enjoying himself, a half-smile stretching his lips, which was awesome. Tony knew this was the last time he was going to see them, and he felt a little happy because they all looked happy (except for the stricken look on Steve’s face) and he felt like it was okay to leave._

He was crying now, really and truly crying. He loved them all, he really did. He wanted to stay and eat Pop Tarts with Thor. Spar with Natasha (or, more accurately, let her kick his ass and they would call it sparring to make him feel better). Do science-y shit with Bruce. Build a fucking fort with Clint, which was fun no matter how old you were. Support Pepper in running the company, because he loved her like a sister now. Fly around the city with Rhodey playing tag. He wanted to help Barnes recover so Steve could be happy with him, but he couldn’t. He wanted to do all those things, but if he stayed like this, he knew he wouldn’t be able to. He would be depressed and would only drag them down and endanger the people he loved.

With that in mind, he raised the gun to his temple, letting out a breathy sigh as the cold metal touched his skin.

  
+

  
Steve was lying across the couch with Bucky, carding his fingers through thick brown hair. They were watching some movie, but he was unable to pay attention. First of all, it was thundering loudly, and secondly, Tony wasn’t there.

Steve honestly didn’t mean to hurt him. He just wanted Bucky back, but now that he had him, something was missing. And it was Tony. He was in love with the engineer, and he always had been. But he loved Bucky, too. There didn’t seem to be a right answer. Either way, he was hurting someone he loved.

Unless…there was a third option. He saw the way Tony and Bucky had looked at each other. Tony was exactly Bucky’s type. And Bucky was a sarcastic, smart-mouthed shit, and Steve knew Tony would just adore him. He had read about polyamory relationships before, and they had always seemed insane to him. But now he got it; sometimes, you had enough love for two people.

“Hey, Buck?” Steve asked softly, waiting until his boyfriend looked up before continuing. “I need to find Tony.” Bucky studied him for a moment, his steely gray eyes intense.

“You love him, don’t you?” Bucky eventually asked. Steve blinked in surprise, because even after all these years, Bucky still could read him like an open book. Steve sat there, with his boyfriend staring at him, feeling like the world’s biggest asshole. He wanted both of them, which was selfish. He could lie to Bucky, but he owed his boyfriend the truth.

“I love you too,” Steve offered helplessly, and Bucky just smirked up at him.

“Steven Grant Rogers, you want us to date him, don’t you?” Steve was again stunned into silence. Bucky just smiled and shook his head fondly, stretching up to press a soft kiss to Steve’s lips. He laced their fingers together. “Come on, then. Let’s go talk to him about it, shall we?”

“Really? That easily?” Steve demanded, blue eyes wide with conflicting emotions. Bucky just shrugged.

“You love him, I love you,” he replied simply. “Plus, he’s cute. Why not? I’ve seen stranger things.” Steve’s head was whirling, because it couldn’t be that simple…could it? He didn’t expect Bucky to be so…accepting.

“Okay,” Steve found himself saying, and then he smiled, because if this worked, then nobody had to hurt. They strolled out of the room hand in hand, and made their way to the elevator. Steve’s heart was pounding hard in his chest. He could just imagine the three of them together, going on dates, arguing the way couples do, cuddling in bed together after a hard battle. It was perfect.

Bucky stepped onto the elevator, and Steve followed.

“JARVIS, where is Tony?” Steve asked, glancing up at the ceiling. He knew that JARVIS wasn’t in the ceiling, but it was a habit. Tony had always thought that it was hilarious.

“The sir is currently in his bedroom,” JARVIS replied, and Steve’s brow furrowed. Huh. Tony was usually in his workshop.

“Oh. Okay. Fourth floor, please,” Steve requested. The elevator started going down, and Steve couldn’t tell if the funny feeling in his stomach was from the elevator or from excitement. He could fix things with Tony! They reached the fourth floor, and Steve stepped off and into the hallway.

“You sure about this?” he asked, because he had to double check. Bucky rolled his eyes, smiling at Steve with amusement. Their hands were still intertwined, and Bucky rubbed reassuring circles into the space between Steve’s thumb and pointer finger.

“If you are,” Bucky replied. Steve nodded.

“I am,” Steve said, because he really was. “You’re going to love him, Buck. He’s so sweet, and funny, and smart, and sarcastic, and-”

“And let’s get going already!” Bucky interjected, grinning. They started walking down the hallway to Tony’s room, and it was dark, the small amount of lighting reflecting off of Bucky’s metal arm. God, this was better than anything Steve ever could have hoped for. If Tony said yes, then they would all be together, and Steve could only imagine how great it would be.

Steve stood outside the door, and placed his hand on the doorknob, smiling goofily at Bucky. Suddenly, somewhere from inside the room, Steve heard a gunshot.


	2. There Is Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Natasha knows everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the much anticipated part two. I'm not exactly happy with it, but I don't want to make readers wait any longer. Hope you like it!

Natasha couldn’t stop thinking about it; Tony’s face before the elevator doors slid shut. She would have understood if he had looked upset (the last week had been pretty hard on him) or even pissed (Steve wasn’t really giving him space to heal). But his expression had been an odd mixture of serenity and defeat. He looked the way she sometimes felt when she got down with too many memories of the Red Room. And that terrified her.

She tried to forget about it, focus on the movie they were all watching, but it was futile. Natasha had very good instincts that had proven themselves repeatedly on missions, saving her own life and other’s countless times. And something in her gut was telling her that something bad was going to happen.

The past week, she had been out of her mind with worry. When Steve had broken up with Tony, she knew it wouldn’t be good, but she had no idea it would be _this_ bad. The second Steve had left to go find Bucky, Tony had immediately holed up down in his lab. Nothing she could do or say could get him to come out, and after a few days she had stopped trying, thinking that he just needed some time to mourn. What a mistake that had been. The longer Tony was left to his own thoughts, the worse it was.

And now that Steve was back, and was with Bucky, she was filled with dread. The truth was, Natasha was excellent at reading people. It was necessary in her line of work, and she was probably the best at it. But Tony Stark, well…it had never been easy for her to get a read on him. It was probably a product of his childhood. Her best guess was that because he had grown up in the spotlight, he had learned to put on a show, a façade, and had so many walls that he didn’t even know what was behind them. And that also added to her growing sense of unease.

“Are you okay?” Clint whispered in her ear, sending pleasant tingles down her spine. She was sprawled out on the couch, practically lying on top of him. He knew her so well sometimes, it was uncanny.

“I’m not sure,” she replied in a low voice, conscious of the four other pairs of ears in the room.

“Tony?” Clint guessed, and she turned, staring up at him with affection. His pale blue eyes were full of concern, and she stretched up, pressing a kiss to his mouth.

“I might just be overreacting,” she admitted. “But I need to make sure. Okay?” Clint nodded. She knew he was just as worried as she was. They all cared about Tony, whether the idiot realized it or not. He was sort of the glue that held the team together. She had to know that he was going to be alright.

Quietly, she removed herself from Clint’s embrace and slipped out of the room.

+

Tony’s ears were ringing from all the commotion following the gunshot. He was on the floor, disoriented, but he still could make out the vague shapes coming toward him. Natasha was standing over him, her beautiful face swimming in and out of focus, and she looked angry. It took him a moment to realize that she had dropped out of the fucking vents and grabbed his arm, aiming at the wall behind him instead. The gun had still fired (she wasn’t _that_ fast) but the bullet had missed its mark. His attempt had failed. Ridiculous, if you thought about it. What the hell had she been doing up in the vents, anyway? Must have taken a page out of Barton’s book.

The second after the gun had gone off, the door to the bedroom had flung open. And then Steve was there, with Bucky following not too far behind. They must have been right outside, which was both hilarious (they could have found him) and alarming (they could have found him). Steve looked pretty angry, too. And a little horrified. Bucky still seemed to be in shock, standing in the doorway with wide eyes as he watched the scene unfold before him.

“What the hell were you thinking?” Natasha screeched, glaring at him with fiery green eyes. Tony shrunk a little against the edge of the bed, because she was so _loud_ , and he felt raw and vulnerable and he was never awake when they found him before. He didn’t answer, because what the hell would he even say? How could he explain the way he was thinking, how he felt?

“Tony-” Steve choked out, reminding Tony that he had an audience. He winced, glancing over at Steve miserably. God, out of all of them, he really didn’t want Steve to see him like this. Tear-stained cheeks, cowering on the floor next to a recently fired gun and a spilled bottle of bourbon, the dark liquid spreading out over the carpet. What a waste of alcohol.

He truly didn’t expect to survive this one, and it felt weird now that he did. At the moment, he was just in shock, so he wasn’t sure if he was happy about it or not. Nothing had changed, except for the fact that Natasha had stopped him, and now she knew. How could he do it now? With her looking at him like that, waiting for him to say something.

“I just…” he tried to explain, the words failing as they so often did. Natasha’s eyes softened, and she knelt down next to him. For a moment, he was worried that she would slap him or something, so he was extra surprised when she yanked him into a hug. He returned the embrace, bewildered for a moment. She was rubbing his back soothingly, running her nimble fingers through his air, stroking the back of his neck.

“Dammit, sweetheart,” she murmured, her voice choked up. “We love you so much, you know that?” Tony blinked, unsure. Why was she saying this? He was _weak_. He was trying to shoot himself because a stupid fucking guy had dumped him. He didn’t deserve her comfort.

“I’m sorry,” he rasped, the tears falling freely. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to-” She pulled back a little, staring directly into his eyes.

“Find you? Stop you? Sweetheart, I wouldn’t have it any other way,” she told him softly, and he was shocked to find tears pooling in her eyes. Before he could respond, she was glancing over at Steve and Bucky. God, Tony couldn’t believe that they saw. He wanted to shoot himself even more now, out of sheer mortification.

“Would you mind stepping out for a moment?” she asked in a voice that was clearly not asking. Steve looked astonished at the request. Bucky complied silently, seeming a little relieved to be out of the situation.

“But Natasha-”

“Please,” Tony interrupted him in a whimper. “Please, just go. I can’t- tomorrow, okay? I will see you tomorrow, I promise. Natasha’s right here. Please, just go.” He knew he would have to face Steve eventually, but he couldn’t handle it right then. Steve probably needed time to process as well, so it was better for everyone. With a clenched jaw and pain-stricken eyes, Steve left the room.

“Come on, sweetheart, let’s lie down,” Natasha murmured once the door was shut, and she helped him to his feet. He stumbled into the bed, and she climbed in next to him. She pulled the covers up around the both of them, and just sort of held him.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, and she began stroking his hair softly.

“Don’t be, sweetheart,” she whispered, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. He was surprised at how affectionate she was being, but it almost felt natural. “You’re hurting. We’ll talk about it in the morning, okay? But for right now, let’s just get some rest.” Tony’s eyes were already drooping, and he fell asleep right there, curled up in Natasha’s arms.

              +

Steve still couldn’t believe it. Tony would have _shot_ himself in Natasha hadn’t been there, and it terrified him to think about what almost happened. God, he had been on the other side of that door, _excited_ to talk to Tony about he and Bucky _dating_ him. And Tony was in there, raising a gun to his head because Steve had hurt him that badly. He felt like the biggest asshole in the world. How could he have been so stupid?

Tony had trusted him, let Steve in, and what had he done? Thrown it all away because he was too stupid and selfish to see the bigger picture. He did love Bucky, but he had promised Tony that he wouldn’t leave him. And he _had_ left him, to find Bucky, and then Steve had brought Bucky back to the tower and expected everything to just be fine. Steve was a liar, and an asshole, and he could live a hundred lifetimes and never deserve Tony.

“I’m sorry, Stevie,” Bucky whispered, his blue-gray eyes pained. “I didn’t mean to come between you two. I never would have- if I had known, then-”

“It’s not your fault, Bucky,” Steve whispered tiredly. “It’s mine. I’m the one who hurt him. I just… I think that we should still talk to him in the morning. But not about that. If he wants me, or both of us, then that’s fine. But if not, I think we need to leave. It wasn’t fair of me to ask him that much.”

“Yeah,” Bucky exhaled. “Yeah, you’re right. He seems… he seems like a nice guy. I don’t want to hurt him.”

“You have no idea how amazing he is, Buck. He’s been through so much, and still manages to smile. Like you,” Steve murmured affectionately, musing Bucky’s hair. Bucky shot him a half-smile, and Steve sighed. He had no idea if Tony was going to be okay or not. All he knew was that whatever Tony needed, Steve was going to give him.

              +

The second Tony woke up, he knew what he needed to do. He stretched, removing himself from Natasha’s arms and sitting upright on the bed. She was already awake, her cat-like green eyes appraising him warily.

“How you feeling?” she asked. Tony chewed his lower lip, mulling over the question. To be honest, he wasn’t sure. Life still sucked, and he wanted somewhat to be done with it, but now he figured that was kind of out of the question. There was no way Natasha or the rest of them would let him do anything now; that he was sure of. And also, a part of him was relieved that the choice was no longer his.

“I’m okay,” he finally answered, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “You?” The question seemed to amuse her. She smiled at him affectionately, reaching out and grabbing his hand.

“I’m fine, sweetheart.” Tony thought that the endearment was a little strange, because before she had rarely called him anything but Stark. But it also seemed kind of natural.

“Does anyone else know?” Tony asked her, dreading the answer. He knew they would find out one way or the other, but he’d rather tell them. That way they didn’t have time to think about it before he told them what he was planning on doing.

“Just Steve and Bucky,” she replied. “I don’t think they would have informed the rest of the team. You’re going to have to tell them eventually, though.” Tony nodded.

“I know,” he sighed. “Better get it over with.” Natasha studied him carefully, and he felt vulnerable under her stare. He couldn’t believe she had stayed with him the whole night, or that she had even held him to begin with. He was so used to her being mysterious and secretive.

“Tony, I just want to make something clear,” Natasha began slowly. “I’m not going to ask you about it, because if you want to share then it’s your business. But I am really glad you’re still here. We all care a lot about you, and whatever you might have been thinking, well, I just want you to know that you mean a lot to me.” Tony inhaled sharply, feeling warmed all of a sudden. His throat closed up with emotion.

“Thanks, Tasha,” he whispered, squeezing her hand. “I think I’m ready. To talk about it.” She nodded, her eyes encouraging.

“I’ll go get them.”

              +

Ten minutes later, they were all seated in Tony’s bedroom. Tony was leaning against the headboard with a pillow hugging his chest. Natasha was sitting next to him, holding his hand, which he was grateful for. Steve and Bucky were on the floor, while Clint, Thor, and Bruce all claimed various other chairs and couches in the room. They were all looking at him expectantly, waiting for him to speak.

“I called you all here because something happened last night,” Tony began nervously. “Natasha stopped me from…from shooting myself.” He paused and let them freak out a little. Clint sucked in a sharp breath, his pale blue eyes widening. Thor’s mouth actually dropped, which would have been funny in a different situation. Bruce’s eyes flashed with a tinge of green, and Tony dropped his gaze to the bedspread, feeling terribly insecure.

“But why?” Thor cried, and Tony flinched.

“It was because of what I did to you…wasn’t it?” Steve asked, his blue eyes pained. Tony met his gaze and held it, because he couldn’t run anymore. He had to face Steve, and be honest with him. If he was ever going to get over this, then that was necessary.

“Partially,” he admitted. “But I don’t want you to think it was your fault. Not completely. Part of the blame is on me.” At that, Steve started protesting, but Tony held up a finger. “Let me say my part. I’ve been pretty messed up my whole life. If it wasn’t Howard, then it was Obadiah. If not them, then it was some goddamn terrorists in Afghanistan. Feels like everyone I know has been taking turns, to see who could destroy me first. So when you came along,” Tony told Steve, “I kind of went a little nuts.”

He paused before continuing, trying to make sure he got the words right. It felt a little weird explaining all this to Steve in front of Bucky, but apparently Bucky was part of the group now. Plus, Steve was his boyfriend now. It involved him.

“You were the first good thing that happened to me in a while. I kind of made you my tether. So when you left me, I kind of lost it. That’s not on you. I didn’t think I would be able to ever be happy again, so I decided to just take myself out of the picture. And I would have, had Natasha not been there. But she was. And she stopped me. So now I need to figure out how to move on. And that’s that,” he finished. There was a moment of silence after he’d finished speaking, and he waited for the explosion.

“You don’t have to,” Steve eventually whispered, and Tony paused.

“Pardon?”

“Move on, I mean. I was outside your door last night,” Steve began, and Tony exhaled. Yeah, he kind of figured. “I wanted to tell you that I’d made a mistake. I love you, Tony. I always have, and I know now I always will. I never meant to hurt you. I’ve loved Bucky all my life, and that blinded me. This is selfish, but I wanted to ask you if you wanted us to be together. All three of us, I mean. I love you, and I love him, and he loves me. And I was hoping that you two would grow to love each other.” Tony froze.

He was silent as he tried to process what Steve was saying. Steve still wanted him? And not just that, but he wanted Bucky too? All three of them, together. A polyamory relationship. He was still trying to wrap his head around the idea.

He glanced over and met Bucky’s intense, steely-blue gaze. Bucky was attractive. Hell, the arm wasn’t bad either. He was pretty damn sexy, if Tony was being honest with himself. The scraggly dark hair, the stubble, the eyes, and the physique. God, the lean, tanned muscles. Tony would be lying if he claimed the thought of it wasn’t appealing.

“And that wouldn’t bother you?” Tony asked. Bucky blinked.

“Not at all,” he replied lightly. “You’re pretty hot, and I love Steve. I want to make him happy. But not at your expense. If you don’t want this, then I don’t either. I don’t really know you, but you seem like a good guy, and this whole thing is just…complicated.” Tony nodded slowly.

“Thank you, Bucky, Steve,” Tony eventually murmured. “Would you mind holding that thought? I have something I’d like to say.” Steve blinked, surprised, but he gestured for Tony to continue.

“First of all, in the week that I was down in the lab, I was setting some things up. I have…gifts for you all. Stuff I wanted to leave you with. You’re going to be getting the information in a few days anyways, so I might as well let you know in advance.”

“You were going to leave us with stuff?” Natasha demanded, her eyes hard. “You were going to kill yourself, and then just leave us with crap? Like anything could ever make up for losing you!” Tony smiled wryly.

“Can I finish, please?” he asked, waiting until she reluctantly nodded to continue. “Brucie-Bear, I built you a lab. JARVIS was also going to give you the access codes to my lab, which he’ll still do. I trust you with my science crap. On your floor, you also have a Hulk-Out room. Be sure to test that out sometime, okay? In your new Hulk Stretchy pants? They’re purple. And you might not even need those, because in the next few days, so much tea will be arriving that you won’t know where to start. So, yeah, there’s that.”

Bruce was smiling, his eyes slightly misty, which Tony counted as a win. Bruce was always there for him, in a quiet sort of way. Tony loved making him happy.

“Thank you, Tones,” Bruce said quietly, getting up from the chair and coming over. He leaned down and wrapped Tony up in a hug, which was awesome. Brucie-Bear didn’t give hugs often, so when he did, it was special. Once Bruce pulled away, he didn’t return to his seat. Instead, he sat next to Tony on the bed, and leaned against him slightly so their shoulders were touching. Tony enjoyed the silent reassurance that Brucie was there. He swallowed his emotion, and continued.

“Clint!” he exclaimed, glancing over at the archer with a small smile. “You have a whole floor dedicated to training. A specialized battle simulation, custom-made for you, buddy. Along with a whole bunch of equipment and crap. Fart arrows, the works. You’re gonna love it, but more importantly, I want you to make it just one battle without as much as a scratch. Got it?” Clint nodded, his eyes wide.

“Yeah! Whatever you say, man!” he replied, grinning. He too stood, and made his way over to the bed, nudging Bruce over good-naturedly. He clapped Tony on the back, then pulled him in for a brief hug. Tony smiled. He was getting lots of hugs today! He should do gifts more often. Clint plopped next to Bruce (it was a very large bed, after all) and Tony looked to the giant blond demigod.

“Thor! That crappy building next door? Revolutionary Science Industry where Jane will be the head scientist. Hopefully she’ll be moving in with you. Also, Pop Tarts. A couple lifetimes worth of Pop Tarts.” Thor broke into the biggest grin, and it occurred to Tony that if he had gone through with it then he never would have gotten to see it. Which made him kind of glad that Natasha was there.

“Thank you, man of iron!” Thor exclaimed, and he joined them on the bed, crushing Tony into a bear hug. “That is a most generous gift that Lady Jane is sure to appreciate as much as I!” He laid down at Tony’s feet, grinning over at the engineer.

“Natasha!” Tony continued, turning to the redhead. He suddenly felt self-conscious. “This wasn’t directly for you, but I built a ballet school. If you want, you can be the teacher. And, um, the students. They’re girls from the, uh, from the Red Room. I figured you could maybe help them…you know, adjust or whatever.” And he was abruptly yanked into the tightest hug of his life.

“I can’t believe you did that,” she whispered into his neck, and his shoulder felt wet. He patted her awkwardly on the back, feeling warm and tingly inside. “I love you so much, sweetheart.” Tony pulled away and offered her a smile, pleasantly surprised that she was indeed crying. He hadn’t been sure if she would like his gift or not.

“Well, I love you, too,” he told her, and he was extremely grateful that he got to witness her reaction. After a moment of just holding her hand, he glanced over at Steve and Bucky, his heart leaping in his chest.

“I didn’t really know what to get you,” he told Steve. “So I just made you a new training floor, and equipment and weapons. To, uh, keep you safe, I guess. And um, I made you a new arm,” he told Bucky. The ex-soldier’s eyebrows shot up, his eyes going wide with surprise.

“You-you what?” he stammered. Tony shrugged.

“New arm. It’s uh, pretty cool. You know, you can feel pressure and shit. Much better than the piece of crap you’re wearing. Not that it’s your fault or anything. Okay, gonna stop talking now.” Bucky was just staring at him in shock, his lips parted. Tony flushed under his intense gaze, because he really needed to not ramble on sometimes.

“That’s-why would you- you don’t even know me!” Bucky cried. Tony shrugged, feeling awkward and embarrassed.

“Well, you’re important to Cap. So that makes you important to me,” Tony explained, glancing over and meeting Steve’s gaze as he spoke. Steve’s eyes were wide and bright with something unidentifiable to Tony.

“Tony-” Steve began, but Tony wanted to finish before anybody could say anything.

“And I’ve already decided where I’m going to go from here,” he interrupted, waiting until all eyes were on him before continuing. He only wanted to say this once. “I’m sorry, but I’m leaving the tower.” Then suddenly, the room was filled with loud protestations, the loudest of which being Clint.

“Come on! You can’t just up and leave!” Clint shouted, jumping up in indignation. Tony met his glare evenly.

“I can, and I will,” he replied, sighing and looking at Steve and Bucky. “Steve, I love you. You know that. But as much as I’ve tried to play it off, you did hurt me, and that’s not something I can just forget.” Steve flinched, and Tony tried not to feel bad about that. He redirected his attention towards the ex-assassin, who was staring at him unabashedly.

“Bucky, you seem like a really cool guy,” Tony began, “but I don’t know you. And frankly, I’m not sure that I’m ready to just yet. I don’t blame you or anything, of course. It’s just that I need…”

He paused, trying to think of a nice way to put it. So he didn’t seem like even more of an asshole than he already was.

“I need to think of myself. Alright? For once, I’m going to put myself first. For so long, I’ve relied on other people to hold me together, keep me from falling apart. And obviously that hasn’t worked out. So I’m going to take some time and reinvest in myself. I won’t be gone forever. Just for a while. And I’m asking you all as my friends- my family- to let me do this. Let me try to fix me.”

There was a collective silence as he finished speaking. He waited calmly for their responses, but he was absolutely sure. He had to do this. He wanted Steve, and he was interested in the whole polyamory thing, but how can you ask someone to love you when you hate yourself? It wouldn’t work unless he was whole. And the only way to do that was to get some space.

“If this is what you need,” Steve finally said, “then do it. I won’t stop you. So long as you promise me one thing.”

“What’s that?” Tony inquired. Steve’s blue eyes were grieving, and it hurt Tony’s heart a little. Okay, a lot.

“Please, take care of yourself,” Steve whispered. Don’t do anything stupid.” Tony understood immediately.

“I won’t,” he promised, smiling a little. “I’m going to be better, when I get back. And in the meantime, don’t miss me, and don’t wreck the tower.” Natasha was smiling, her eyes saddened. She looked…proud, somewhat.

“We are going to miss you, sweetheart,” she told him softly. “But I won’t wreck the tower. Promise.” Tony laughed at that, then wrapped her in a hug.

“I’ll miss you too,” he murmured in her ear. “Thanks for understanding.” She pulled away, and placed a hand on his cheek.

“Where are you going to go?” Clint asked in a small voice. Tony glanced over at the still-standing archer, who had his arms wrapped around his chest. Tony frowned, because Clint was taking it harder than he had expected.

“I don’t know,” Tony replied honestly. “But I’ll come back. I promise-as soon as I’m ready, okay? Just call me if you need anything. We can skype or whatever.” Clint scoffed.

“Yeah, skype is great,” he muttered, but his voice held no malice. “Just don’t be stupid. Or I’ll get you a babysitter.” Tony laughed, missing him already.

“Would you mind giving us a moment?” Steve suddenly asked. Tony glanced over at him in surprise. Honestly, he had kind of thought that that was it. That Steve had already said his piece, and there wasn’t any more.

“Sure,” Natasha replied easily. “But if you say the wrong thing, well…” Out of nowhere, a knife slipped out of her sleeve, and she stroked the blade with a small grin. Steve nodded, his eyes wide. Tony just grinned, because damn she could be scary.

After the team left, he just sat in uncomfortable silence, waiting for Steve or Bucky to say something. Steve was just staring at him, with those blue, blue eyes. Bucky’s gaze was on him, too, and just as intense. Tony squirmed slightly.

“You know, if you have something to say, now would be a great time,” Tony remarked casually. Bucky sighed.

“Okay, guess I’ll go first,” he murmured. “Tony, I am very sorry for my part in all this. I didn’t mean to come in between you and Steve. I wouldn’t have, if I had known what was going to happen.” Tony sucked in a sharp breath, because _wow_ , didn’t he feel like an ass.

“No, you don’t have to apologize! If anyone came in between here, it was me,” Tony argued. “You both have been in love with each other since long before I was born. I shouldn’t have…I shouldn’t have tried to be with Steve. It’s my fault, okay? And I don’t want you to feel like what happened was because of you. Like I said before, I got too attached to him. That’s on me.”

“Tony, you can’t just shoulder all of the blame,” Steve interjected quietly, his eyes firm. “So what, you got attached? I still hurt you, and there was no excuse for what I did. We were together, and just because Bucky came back I dumped you.” Tony winced at the harsh phrasing. “No matter what I felt for Bucky, I shouldn’t have just…” Steve’s voice trailed off.

“He’s saying that he should have just thought for a second,” Bucky broke in with a wry smile. “Instead of just reacting so quickly.” Tony bit his lower lip, his insecurities gnawing at him. Howard’s voice in the back of his head, snarling ‘you shouldn’t make him stay with you just because you’re a whiny little bitch who can’t handle being dumped! Look at him! He doesn’t love you! You don’t deserve him!’

The same voice that had berated him his entire life. The one he couldn’t get rid of even after dear old dad was killed. The one that fucked everything up all the time. The one that was also right more often than not.

“Look, guys,” Tony began quietly, gazing down at the bedsheets. “About what you suggested earlier. The threesome thing. I don’t want you to feel obligated just because I tried to- just because of what happened. If you want to be together, then I can’t be the reason for it not happening. I would just fuck it up anyways. You don’t need me.”

“On the contrary,” a deep voice murmured, and Tony was surprised to find that Bucky had crawled up on the bed and was currently about two inches from his face. He swallowed, meeting that intense, smoky gaze with wide eyes. “I think you’re exactly what we need.”

“Oh,” Tony whispered, unsure of what else to say. He couldn’t help but take notice that Bucky had said ‘we.’             

“You could never fuck it up, Tony,” Steve murmured, shocking Tony with the casual f-bomb. The blond super soldier moved up onto the bed besides Bucky. Tony suddenly felt kind of trapped, but in the best possible way.

“You sure?” he muttered nervously. “I do a pretty good job of fucking things up.” Bucky smirked, leaning in closer. Tony’s heart pounded in his chest.

“Kitten, it was fucked up long before you got here,” he drawled, and then they were kissing. Or rather, Bucky was kissing him, rather aggressively. Tony couldn’t believe how soft those lips were, or how good they felt moving with his own, or the way Bucky was pinning him in place. It was all sexy and unbelievable. When they broke apart, Tony was wide-eyed and flushed with pleasure.

“That just happened,” he whispered in shock. He quickly glanced over at Steve, to gauge his reaction, and was pleasantly surprised to find that Steve seemed to like it.

“Yeah,” Bucky agreed with a satisfied smile. “It did. What are you going to do about it?” To the engineer, that sort of seemed like a challenge. And he never backed down from a challenge.

“This,” Tony replied, and then grabbed Bucky by the back of the neck. He brought their faces together, giving Bucky a moment to pull away, and then Tony was kissing him. This time, he wasn’t being kissed- they were kissing. Huge difference. To his delight, Bucky responded well. He nipped lightly on Tony’s lower lip, eliciting a pathetic sounding mewl from the engineer. Huh. Perhaps Bucky’s nickname for him wasn’t that far off.

              +

Bucky could not believe that he was kissing Tony. Their lips molded together so perfectly, and he couldn’t stop himself from nipping lightly at the smaller man’s lower lip. The sound he was rewarded with- this adorable little mewl- sent fire racing in his veins. He knew exactly what Steve saw in the engineer. He was like a fucking kitten, feisty and cute.

When they pulled away, Bucky stared hard into those large amber eyes. Not to mention, Tony was ridiculously attractive too. The thick, dark hair, the olive skin, and the lean muscles hinted at behind an AC/DC t-shirt. Damn.

“We’ll wait,” Bucky murmured. “Stevie and I. We’ll wait for you to come back. And when you do, I expect fun-times. That alright?”

“More than alright,” Tony replied softly, threading his fingers through Bucky’s hair. “Just have fun in the meantime, too, okay?”

“Sure, sure,” Bucky agreed easily, grinning. He glanced over at Steve, who seemed to be in a state of pure joy and surprise.

“Are you two sure you want this?” Steve asked, his blue eyes unsure. “You’re not just doing this to make me happy, right?” Bucky scoffed good-humoredly.

“You’re not that special, jerk,” he retorted. Tony smiled, and Bucky decided that the engineer should do that more often.

              +

Tony left that afternoon, and two weeks had passed since then, each day harder than the last. Steve tried not to be too upset about it, because he knew that Tony needed the space and time to heal. From wounds Steve had inflicted. But that didn’t stop him- or the rest of the team- from missing the engineer. The lack of his presence was glaringly obvious, from the empty seat at the dining room table, to the distinct absence of snarky comments during meetings with Fury.

Pepper had called a few times to tell them that Tony was doing fine, and she was checking in with him all the time. It kept Steve from worrying too much. In the meantime, Steve told Bucky stories about Tony, like the first time they met (when Steve was fighting Loki, and suddenly AC/DC started blasting through the speakers and a red and gold blur landed beside him) or the time Tony had started a food fight when the team was feeling down after a mission.

Steve could tell Bucky was just as excited for Tony to return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...you see why I didn't add 'Major Character Death'? It doesn't apply. Anyhoo, lemme know if you want a part three for when Tony comes back, because I could probably make that happen.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry! Please don't hate me! :)


End file.
